Step Eight - the lazy girl's guide to grooming

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I was delighted to see an article in the Evening Standard about a "growing movement" in which cool young things choose not to shave their armpits. 

In fact, the article goes on to say, there's a whole Facebook group dedicated to those who want to wear their hair au naturel - Women Against Non-essential Grooming, or WANG. Well hurrah! I might even put down the razor myself, just to see if the world stops revolving in disgust. Maybe we should all start dyeing our underarm hair, that would be fun. A lot more fun than shaving rash anyway, that's for sure.

As a lazy girl, the pressure to be constantly shaving, plucking, shaping or smoothing something is exhausting.
After years of doing the bare minimum in order to appear 'professional', I have only recently become brave enough to go to work without make-up, which is my usual state, and one which most of my friends and family would recognise as 'what I look like'.

I honestly think women would achieve so much more in the world if they weren't constantly being forced to groom themselves to within an inch of their lives. 

We are constantly told it's time to lose weight, change what our hair looks like, get a whole new wardrobe, and the right shoes of course. Frankly, who has time or money enough to follow all this advice? I'll tell you who - Liz Jones. And it hasn't exactly made her a poster girl for happiness has it?

Fashion icon Victoria Beckham, she of the 'extra half an inch' doesn't exactly strike me as a great laugh either. All her publicity is just so very self-conscious and unnatural. And as for hiding away when you're pregnant, what's that all about?

Fashion magazines expect us to work hard all year. In the spring, we are exhorted to 'get a beach body'. At Christmas, we should be starving ourselves into a little black dress for 'the party season'. Year after year, the same stories in the magazines - be thinner, spend more time on your appearance, buy new things. But don't forget to be an independent woman at the same time - you can have it all!

Bollocks. I'm outing myself now as a non-groomer. I get my hair coloured, because I truly don't think I was meant to be a natural mouse, and I like being blonder, but when it comes to plucking, shaving, straightening, removing and applying, well, as long as I smell okay, and I feel okay, then forget it. 

And after all, how do you get a bikini body? This diagram says it all ....

 

At the same time, if grooming is your thing, then go for it. I'm not anti-grooming per se, I'm anti-compulsory grooming for women. There's no shame in looking the way you look, whatever that is. All I want is a bit of choice. Don't judge me on my 'imperfectly shaped' eyebrows, or my flat shoes. 

I believe that the people who care the most about what they look like are the least interesting people, because they're no good at letting it all hang out and having fun. And with the rise of the selfie, things are getting worse and worse. You have to look good ALL THE TIME, EVERYWHERE! Well, I hope you will join me in sticking two fingers up at those who tell us it's our job to look good. Look good if you enjoy it, and if you look good naturally, then lucky you! But don't make it the law. It's too tiring.

Top tip - Take a trip to WANG on Facebook - their mission statement: WANG believes that everyone should be free from coercive gendered bodily norms and should have absolute bodily autonomy. We look forward to a day when people can present their bodies in whatever way they choose, free from political, social, and economic constraints! 

Step Seven - Happiness at Work - a thing that actually exists!

We spend a huge amount of our waking existence at work. And if you are lucky enough to enjoy your job, that's great, and you may skip to the next section, via Step One - celebrate the fact that you enjoy your job! 

But if not, read on, as so many workplaces are not happy places to be, which is a shame, and something you need to do something about.

I've recently been working with a company called Happy to help them market their Happy People courses. 
As well as being an IT training company, Happy also teaches people how to be better managers by focusing on making their staff happy. They have written a book called The Happy Manifesto, all about why happiness at work is important.

Imagine if your manager's sole focus was making you feel happy, supported and inspired every day - how would that feel?

Sounds a bit Californian doesn't it? But here are some facts that may make you realise it could work for you, and not just some whizz-kids sipping wheat-grass juice and zipping around on scooters at Google HQ in Silicon Valley.

1. Happier people are more productive. Nando's did some research to find out why some branches were more productive than others. They tested loads of different variables - location, number of staff etc, and came up with one that correlated most closely with increased production. That was: how happy staff said they were in their annual staff survey. For a while, Nando's even changed the structure of managers' bonuses so that they were based on the happiness of staff. 

2. If you'd invested in the companies voted "Best Places to Work" for the last 25 years, you'd have made much more money than if you'd simply placed your money in standard stock-market shares. See this research done by Wharton Business School in Pennsylvania. Happier workers make for more successful businesses - and this is a hard fact supported by research, not just 'a bunch of tree-hugging hippy crap' - as Cartman would say.

3. Happy staff are more likely to be loyal, flexible and a good advert for your business. They keep down the cost of recruitment, take less time off sick and are more helpful when dealing with top clients, because they genuinely want to help. Surely this is better than a room full of grumpy misanthropes, clock-watching and undermining each other to get ahead?

Sounds obvious when you look at it like that, doesn't it? So why isn't more of your manager's time spent making you happy? Slip a copy of the Happy Manifesto (you can download it for free from this link, god, I'm good to you!) to your manager, or spend some time making other people feel good - maybe by instigating a tea round, remembering someone's birthday or walking to someone's desk to personally thank them for their help, rather than sending a quick impersonal email.

You already know how things could be better at your workplace. Try pushing things in that direction, and if it's not working, think about whether that's a place you really want to work. 

The general bullying, willy-waggling buck-passing culture of most newsrooms is the reason I started my own company in the first place. I really like being in charge, but I'm not very good at sucking up to bosses, especially if I disagree with the way they're doing things. So, it was clear that since there was no chance of becoming the boss any time soon, there was only one thing for it, I had to be my own boss. And, it's one of the best things I've ever done. My company is based on my two cardinal rules:
- For clients - I will do what I say I'm going to do
- For me - I will only work with people I like, who are good at their jobs
And it seems to have worked so far, so you don't need a lot of rules, just a few that are important to you.

Top Tip: Think about going it alone
Take five minutes to think about the kind of work you'd like to do, and the kind of people you'd like to work with. You may not have the freedom to quit your job, but you may have the power to make a change internally at your place of work. Just try being nicer to the nice people for a few days - at least it'll be an interesting experiment. Let me know how it goes! And, keep passing round that Happy Manifesto.

Step Six - Accept your anxiety

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Step Six - Accept your anxiety

Almost everyone I know is anxious at the moment. I don't know if it's our age, the general misery of the winter, tube strikes and flooding, or something about the increasing complexity of life, but I believe that it is one of the most damaging conditions when it comes to your happiness.

I suffer from it myself. Every so often, I feel paralysed and frightened about the fact that I have to run my own company all by myself, unable to cope with the demands made on me by clients and colleagues, and really tempted to shut myself in my bedroom and creep under the covers, never to emerge. It passes, but when it strikes, it leaves me tearful, afraid and unable to make brave or even sensible decisions.

Like depression, anxiety can turn the world into an unfriendly and confusing place. It seems everyone is doing well except you. 

Don't believe it! We're very good at hiding our weaknesses. When you scratch the surface, there's a whole world of stresses and strains behind a person's facade. The trick is to have a few friends you can be completely honest with, and talk it through. You'll probably find out they've had the same problem at some point.

As Plato said: “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.” 

We are all afraid of admitting weakness, but one of the strongest things you can do is be honest about your fears. And recognising it and accepting it is half the battle to regaining your happy self.

Don't let the anxiety make you feel "everything is wrong". Instead, say to yourself "I feel anxious today" and have a think about what is making you feel like that. The chances are it's not as big as it seems at the time.

When anxiety strikes, recognise it for what it is. Be aware that it is a temporary state of stress, accept it, let it in, feel the feelings associated with it. Have a cry, or a good scream into a pillow. Go for a walk, feel the panic subsiding, take some deep breaths, come back to your normal self, and move on. Once you know that you can feel panicky and anxious and not allow it to change your course of action, it will lose its control over you.

Top Tip: Get some perspective.

When I feel helpless, it really helps me to think about how inconsequential and small my problems really are. 

Click on the link here - press start and drag the slider to the right hand side. Then slowly slide it left, and really get a sense of how small you are in the universe. Nothing you do is that important, nothing you say will have much of an effect. See the bigger picture, get some perspective, and live life bravely and positively. There's nothing you can do that will make much of an impact on the universe, so go for it and do the best you can.

Step Five - Exercise and the lazy girl

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It's New Year, and every publication on earth is urging its readers to discover a 'new you' using the methods of not eating and exercising a lot more, illustrated with photos of washboard stomachs and skinny upper arms. Sigh, how tiresome.

Of course, now we're at step five, you're already aware that there's nothing at all wrong with the old you, in fact it could be that you're feeling rather marvellous about life and hurrah to that!

But, even lazy girls have to face the facts, and the facts are:
- after a Christmas of fun and frolics, you may be feeling a little bit fuzzier around the edges
- it's no fun being overweight, as it means you have no energy to do all the fun things enjoyed by lazy girls, and none of your clothes fit any more, which is a bummer
- the science says that if you eat healthily, you live longer, and this is a GOOD THING, as how are you going to fit all the things you want to do into your happy lifetime otherwise?

So, as a lazy girl who finds exercise boring, how are we to proceed?

Firstly, as I said earlier, there is nothing wrong with the old you, so let's not start the year trying to look like those people in magazines. The very thin people are a very small part of the population, and not representative of real life. Take a look around you in a crowded place - most people don't look like that. To try to achieve that is a waste of your time, and will make you a very dull person indeed. There is nothing wrong with being normal. So, before you start, take an honest look in the mirror, or, better still, have a look at a recent photograph. Look at yourself in a non-judgemental way. Could still do with losing a couple of pounds? That's fine, and natural, and all part of our "winter plumage" as I like to call it. Let's not beat ourselves up about it, but perhaps a little music and movement is in order to knock off the soft edges.

How you go about doing this is up to you, but here's my advice, based on a lifetime of dragging myself off the sofa:

- your motivation is how good you'll feel afterwards. There is nothing like a good rest when you've deserved it by doing something energetic. To enjoy the lazy life to the utmost, get all your chores (and that includes exercise) out of the way and then have a lovely sit down, guilt-free and in the knowledge that all the day's hard work is done. There is no feeling like it. 

- use distraction techniques. Listen to your favourite upbeat music (I find the work of Muse and Hard-Fi excellent for keeping me going on the exercise bike), keep an eye on the heart-rate monitor and see if you can keep it at a certain level, or watch really bad reality TV on the video screens. Think through complex problems, make plans, plan your top ten holiday destinations, say the alphabet backwards - whatever it takes to just keep going. ON NO ACCOUNT think about the exercise you're doing, and how much it hurts, and how nice it would be to stop.

- mix it up. Walk a friend's dog, dance, cycle to the park, put the hoover round the living room, go for a brisk walk at lunchtime, or walk further to work - (that way the exercise is done before the day even starts - winner!) Take every opportunity to get up and do something - make a cup of tea for your workmates, take the stairs to the next floor instead of the lift. Get a pedometer and try to do 10,000 steps a day (it's about six miles, and it's how much we're supposed to do every day - no wonder we have an obesity problem in this country, that's loads!)

- don't overdo it. There's nothing more annoying than the gym in January - everyone puffing away doing loads of work, and then *pouf* - gone by mid-February. Exercise is for life my friends, not just for Christmas, so you need to be realistic about how much you're prepared to do, every week, forever. And then, try and work out the most fun way of getting it done.

- eat more proper food. I don't need to tell you what this means, you already know that vegetables are good for you, and cakes are not. Sugar is not your friend. Step away from the biscuits, and then you won't have to do so much of the boring exercise. It's not rocket science, but you have to be honest with yourself about your eating habits.

Top tip: If you respond well to straight talking, try Run Fat Bitch, Run, by Ruth Field - no-nonsense advice for lazy girls who'd like to look better in trousers.

Step Four - Fail without fear

Do you get the feeling this isn't going to end well? Picture from morgueFile free photos

Let's be honest, children are rubbish at most things aren't they? I can draw much better than they can, I can definitely do hard sums better, and I'm just generally better co-ordinated and more efficient at pretty much everything from putting on my socks to arranging a party. Yay me! Go to step one - celebrate being better at things than children!

But before we write them off completely, let's consider something they are much better at - learning.

A child learns a huge amount in a short space of time, without any apparent effort. Listen to a foreign woman on public transport talking to her child. Try and work out what she's saying. The child is in the same position as you - learning a brand new language just by listening.

It's the same way you learned to speak English - but how on earth did you do that? When you hear it in another language, you realise how hard it is to speak and understand.

Well, the secret is that children try and they fail. Over and over again, until they work out how to do something. They mimic, they copy, they try words to see what they sound like. They get it wrong a lot, but pretty soon, you can have a conversation with them. Isn't that amazing?

When you fail, you learn a lot more than when you succeed. And if you fail a lot, you learn a lot, and you work out how not to do it. No-one ever learned anything by getting it right the first time.

But, as adults, we're not very good at failing. It's seen as a weakness, and a BAD THING to be avoided at all costs. This is holding us back, and it's time you started failing, as the next step on your road to complete happiness.

Here are some memorable fails by me:
- I failed to get onto a media course at university. I thought this would be the best route into journalism. Turned out I was wrong, as most post-graduate journalism courses reject people with media degrees. Phew, thank goodness for failure!
- I failed to emigrate to Australia. Who knows, I could be on a beach by now, in the sun, not having to contemplate another British winter. Okay, I'm still sad about that one, but if I'd succeeded, I'd never have met my husband. And probably not started my own business. 
- I failed to get a job I was desperate for, at Westcountry television. This led me to the decision to leave the job I was unhappy in, and travel round the world. Was I running away from my problems? Yes, and it was the best decision I've ever made.

I've failed a lot since I started my own business. And it's helped me understand what I'm good at, and what I'm not. Sometimes it's embarrassing, sometimes it's humiliating, but always I learn. 

Never be afraid to try on the basis that you might fail. You MUST fail, and you must fail until you learn, and then you will be better at what you do. But don't just take my word on it, check out what James Dyson has to say about failure

 In fact, if you read more about entrepreneurs, you will find that they all fail, over and over again. They view problems the way children do, and they try things. And one day, they get everything right, and then they're billionaires. That's worth a few tries isn't it?

Don't let the fear of failure get in the way of trying to be what you always wanted to be. 

Top tip: Since we're doing this the lazy way, get a blanket, sit in front of the telly, and watch The Pursuit of Happyness. It is a testament to trying, trying and trying again, even when it seems the universe doesn't want you to succeed. It's based on a true story. See the trailer here
And it's got Will Smith in it. See how good I am to you?

Step Three - Turn everything off and brain dump

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We've never been so busy. When you're at the bus stop or train station, take a look around. Everyone's 'in' their phones - checking emails, playing games, texting, social networking - there's never a moment in which we're not being bombarded with information, photos, videos and messages that require our attention. And that's just one little gadget - such power it has! 

Amongst all that noise, ask yourself - is there a little voice that's being lost?

This is the voice of your needs and desires, being squashed down daily by all the demands of modern life. Your next step to happiness is to turn everything off and listen for a while.

So, phone off (or at least switched to silent, I'm not a complete monster), television off, laptop or tablet put aside. You might just want a pen and a notebook nearby, and if anything urgent occurs to you, note it down to sort out later. You don't want anything nagging away at your mind while you do this exercise. Okay, ready? It's time to do nothing for the first time in ages.

Try it at the bus stop or train station. Put your phone away, take out your headphones and look up. Breathe, relax your shoulders and look around. Listen to what's happening around you (I find listening to other people's conversations particularly entertaining), ask your body how it feels - do you feel well? Is your jaw tense? Relax it. Are you sitting comfortably, or holding yourself unnaturally in one position? Relax. Is there a tension line between your eyebrows from where you've been squinting at your phone? Smile, it does wonders for a tense face.

Look, listen, smell, breathe - and when you feel the lack of stimulation, don't pick your phone back up in panic, because that quiet little space is vital. If you must look at something, have a look at the picture on this blogpost. Imagine yourself sitting by the water. What can you see, and smell, and hear? Resist the temptation to find something to read. Just become empty.

I believe this quietness is something you need if you want to have really great ideas. Good decisions are not born out of anxious minds. 

So, have you achieved a little inner calm in this mad world? Good. Now you're ready to brain dump.

Pick up the notebook and start writing. It can be as simple as a to-do list, or it could be a full-on mission statement.

For example, if you can't think of what to write, here are some ideas:
- Write a list of 100 things you want to do in your life
- Write down all the things that are worrying you
- Write down a list of people you haven't seen in ages whose company you really enjoy
- Write a list of things you'd do if only you had time
- List the books you want to read, the films you want to see, or the plays you'd like to go to

Get it all out onto the paper. Now your brain is free to get on with the serious business of being happier, based on what you've just written. You can either start working your way through your list of 100 things, buying the first book on your to-read list, or pick up the phone to a friend.

Or carry on enjoying your empty mind, as I find my best ideas have come while I've been completely relaxed and stress-free, which is a rare state of mind for any of us these days. Practice doing it for a short time every day.

Go back to Step One of the blog and celebrate! You've done a great thing. This happiness lark is mainly just sitting about and relaxing - it's a lazy girl's dream.

Top Tip: When you write To Do lists, give equal weight to seeing your friends, watching films and reading books as you do to finishing spreadsheets, updating your CV and washing the car. A list full of boring chores is less likely to get done than one which contains hidden treats. 

Step Two - Be your own best friend

Imagine if a close friend of yours said to you "I feel really fat and ugly today". What would your response be? Would you say "Yes, that's because you're greedy and lazy?" 

I'm guessing the answer is no, of course not. You would probably sympathise, say that we all have days like that, you look great, don't be silly, etc etc.

So, what about when you look in the mirror in the morning and think to yourself "I feel really fat and ugly today". What does the little voice in your head say? It's time to find out if you're your own worst enemy.

Picture from morgueFile free photos

Be honest with yourself, and listen to what your inner voice says to you throughout the day. Do you tell yourself you're not thin enough, your hair's rubbish, you're no good at your job, or that this kind of mistake is so typical of you? 

If so, your next step to happiness is to tell the voice to shut the hell up, because it's not doing you any good. You need to be your own best friend and give yourself a break. Be kind to yourself, tell yourself you're doing your best, and learn to please yourself, rather than doing things because the voice tells you you should.

And, while we're at it, there's another voice too, and this one can be much more dangerous. This one's pretending to be your friend, but it's saying things like: I know you wanted to go to the gym today, but you've been working so hard, and you're tired, and you need to wash your hair, and there's that thing on the TV that you'll miss if you go. Everything's not so bad, just imagine, it could be worse, best not rock the boat or do anything rash. Just stay as you are, you're fine.

This voice is the one that will talk you out of taking risks, changing habits and trying something new and different. This voice is stopping you from being happy just as much as Mr Nasty on the other shoulder. And if your habits and lifestyle aren't making you happy, you need to make some changes, and not let Mr Nice talk you out of them.

As Whitney Houston once said, (although I can't sing it without sniggering): "learning to love yourself, that is the greatest love of all". But she was right, rest her soul.

Be your own cheerleader. We all make mistakes and none of us is perfect, but our imperfections make us likeable. None of your friends is perfect and you don't love them any the less for it, do you? In fact, people who are perfect are quite annoying, so why would you want to be like them? 

What are the funniest things about your friends, that makes you like them the most? I bet it's not the fact that they get up at 6am every morning and do a ten mile run is it?

I bet it's more like the time they got drunk and told your boss something really indiscreet and then fell off their chair, isn't it? Give yourself a break, and don't beat yourself up about things you say or do.

So, to summarise: Be nice to yourself, but be honest, and work out what's really bothering you, after shutting up both the voices of Mr Nice and Mr Nasty. 

Mean and cruel people are unhappy people. Make yourself happy, and you'll be a kinder person, and that will make you even happier. It's an upward spiral, but you must start with you.

Top Tip: Listen to the way you speak to yourself. Then try and work out what you'd like to be doing that you're not doing. Don't let Mr Nice talk you out of it or Mr Nasty tell you you'll never change. Just try it. Today. Now.