Step Four - Fail without fear

Do you get the feeling this isn't going to end well? Picture from morgueFile free photos

Let's be honest, children are rubbish at most things aren't they? I can draw much better than they can, I can definitely do hard sums better, and I'm just generally better co-ordinated and more efficient at pretty much everything from putting on my socks to arranging a party. Yay me! Go to step one - celebrate being better at things than children!

But before we write them off completely, let's consider something they are much better at - learning.

A child learns a huge amount in a short space of time, without any apparent effort. Listen to a foreign woman on public transport talking to her child. Try and work out what she's saying. The child is in the same position as you - learning a brand new language just by listening.

It's the same way you learned to speak English - but how on earth did you do that? When you hear it in another language, you realise how hard it is to speak and understand.

Well, the secret is that children try and they fail. Over and over again, until they work out how to do something. They mimic, they copy, they try words to see what they sound like. They get it wrong a lot, but pretty soon, you can have a conversation with them. Isn't that amazing?

When you fail, you learn a lot more than when you succeed. And if you fail a lot, you learn a lot, and you work out how not to do it. No-one ever learned anything by getting it right the first time.

But, as adults, we're not very good at failing. It's seen as a weakness, and a BAD THING to be avoided at all costs. This is holding us back, and it's time you started failing, as the next step on your road to complete happiness.

Here are some memorable fails by me:
- I failed to get onto a media course at university. I thought this would be the best route into journalism. Turned out I was wrong, as most post-graduate journalism courses reject people with media degrees. Phew, thank goodness for failure!
- I failed to emigrate to Australia. Who knows, I could be on a beach by now, in the sun, not having to contemplate another British winter. Okay, I'm still sad about that one, but if I'd succeeded, I'd never have met my husband. And probably not started my own business. 
- I failed to get a job I was desperate for, at Westcountry television. This led me to the decision to leave the job I was unhappy in, and travel round the world. Was I running away from my problems? Yes, and it was the best decision I've ever made.

I've failed a lot since I started my own business. And it's helped me understand what I'm good at, and what I'm not. Sometimes it's embarrassing, sometimes it's humiliating, but always I learn. 

Never be afraid to try on the basis that you might fail. You MUST fail, and you must fail until you learn, and then you will be better at what you do. But don't just take my word on it, check out what James Dyson has to say about failure

 In fact, if you read more about entrepreneurs, you will find that they all fail, over and over again. They view problems the way children do, and they try things. And one day, they get everything right, and then they're billionaires. That's worth a few tries isn't it?

Don't let the fear of failure get in the way of trying to be what you always wanted to be. 

Top tip: Since we're doing this the lazy way, get a blanket, sit in front of the telly, and watch The Pursuit of Happyness. It is a testament to trying, trying and trying again, even when it seems the universe doesn't want you to succeed. It's based on a true story. See the trailer here
And it's got Will Smith in it. See how good I am to you?

Step Three - Turn everything off and brain dump

Picture from morgueFile free photos

We've never been so busy. When you're at the bus stop or train station, take a look around. Everyone's 'in' their phones - checking emails, playing games, texting, social networking - there's never a moment in which we're not being bombarded with information, photos, videos and messages that require our attention. And that's just one little gadget - such power it has! 

Amongst all that noise, ask yourself - is there a little voice that's being lost?

This is the voice of your needs and desires, being squashed down daily by all the demands of modern life. Your next step to happiness is to turn everything off and listen for a while.

So, phone off (or at least switched to silent, I'm not a complete monster), television off, laptop or tablet put aside. You might just want a pen and a notebook nearby, and if anything urgent occurs to you, note it down to sort out later. You don't want anything nagging away at your mind while you do this exercise. Okay, ready? It's time to do nothing for the first time in ages.

Try it at the bus stop or train station. Put your phone away, take out your headphones and look up. Breathe, relax your shoulders and look around. Listen to what's happening around you (I find listening to other people's conversations particularly entertaining), ask your body how it feels - do you feel well? Is your jaw tense? Relax it. Are you sitting comfortably, or holding yourself unnaturally in one position? Relax. Is there a tension line between your eyebrows from where you've been squinting at your phone? Smile, it does wonders for a tense face.

Look, listen, smell, breathe - and when you feel the lack of stimulation, don't pick your phone back up in panic, because that quiet little space is vital. If you must look at something, have a look at the picture on this blogpost. Imagine yourself sitting by the water. What can you see, and smell, and hear? Resist the temptation to find something to read. Just become empty.

I believe this quietness is something you need if you want to have really great ideas. Good decisions are not born out of anxious minds. 

So, have you achieved a little inner calm in this mad world? Good. Now you're ready to brain dump.

Pick up the notebook and start writing. It can be as simple as a to-do list, or it could be a full-on mission statement.

For example, if you can't think of what to write, here are some ideas:
- Write a list of 100 things you want to do in your life
- Write down all the things that are worrying you
- Write down a list of people you haven't seen in ages whose company you really enjoy
- Write a list of things you'd do if only you had time
- List the books you want to read, the films you want to see, or the plays you'd like to go to

Get it all out onto the paper. Now your brain is free to get on with the serious business of being happier, based on what you've just written. You can either start working your way through your list of 100 things, buying the first book on your to-read list, or pick up the phone to a friend.

Or carry on enjoying your empty mind, as I find my best ideas have come while I've been completely relaxed and stress-free, which is a rare state of mind for any of us these days. Practice doing it for a short time every day.

Go back to Step One of the blog and celebrate! You've done a great thing. This happiness lark is mainly just sitting about and relaxing - it's a lazy girl's dream.

Top Tip: When you write To Do lists, give equal weight to seeing your friends, watching films and reading books as you do to finishing spreadsheets, updating your CV and washing the car. A list full of boring chores is less likely to get done than one which contains hidden treats. 

Step Two - Be your own best friend

Imagine if a close friend of yours said to you "I feel really fat and ugly today". What would your response be? Would you say "Yes, that's because you're greedy and lazy?" 

I'm guessing the answer is no, of course not. You would probably sympathise, say that we all have days like that, you look great, don't be silly, etc etc.

So, what about when you look in the mirror in the morning and think to yourself "I feel really fat and ugly today". What does the little voice in your head say? It's time to find out if you're your own worst enemy.

Picture from morgueFile free photos

Be honest with yourself, and listen to what your inner voice says to you throughout the day. Do you tell yourself you're not thin enough, your hair's rubbish, you're no good at your job, or that this kind of mistake is so typical of you? 

If so, your next step to happiness is to tell the voice to shut the hell up, because it's not doing you any good. You need to be your own best friend and give yourself a break. Be kind to yourself, tell yourself you're doing your best, and learn to please yourself, rather than doing things because the voice tells you you should.

And, while we're at it, there's another voice too, and this one can be much more dangerous. This one's pretending to be your friend, but it's saying things like: I know you wanted to go to the gym today, but you've been working so hard, and you're tired, and you need to wash your hair, and there's that thing on the TV that you'll miss if you go. Everything's not so bad, just imagine, it could be worse, best not rock the boat or do anything rash. Just stay as you are, you're fine.

This voice is the one that will talk you out of taking risks, changing habits and trying something new and different. This voice is stopping you from being happy just as much as Mr Nasty on the other shoulder. And if your habits and lifestyle aren't making you happy, you need to make some changes, and not let Mr Nice talk you out of them.

As Whitney Houston once said, (although I can't sing it without sniggering): "learning to love yourself, that is the greatest love of all". But she was right, rest her soul.

Be your own cheerleader. We all make mistakes and none of us is perfect, but our imperfections make us likeable. None of your friends is perfect and you don't love them any the less for it, do you? In fact, people who are perfect are quite annoying, so why would you want to be like them? 

What are the funniest things about your friends, that makes you like them the most? I bet it's not the fact that they get up at 6am every morning and do a ten mile run is it?

I bet it's more like the time they got drunk and told your boss something really indiscreet and then fell off their chair, isn't it? Give yourself a break, and don't beat yourself up about things you say or do.

So, to summarise: Be nice to yourself, but be honest, and work out what's really bothering you, after shutting up both the voices of Mr Nice and Mr Nasty. 

Mean and cruel people are unhappy people. Make yourself happy, and you'll be a kinder person, and that will make you even happier. It's an upward spiral, but you must start with you.

Top Tip: Listen to the way you speak to yourself. Then try and work out what you'd like to be doing that you're not doing. Don't let Mr Nice talk you out of it or Mr Nasty tell you you'll never change. Just try it. Today. Now.

Step One - Celebrate Everything


Let's start by making life a bit more fun. See, I told you this wasn't going to be too hard or boring. 

This step is aimed at breaking you out of the cycle of negative thinking. You may feel that life is hard, life is boring, life is repetitive and tiring. 

Yes, all of that could be true, but life is also miraculous and awesome and wonderful, and we don't spend enough time celebrating all the good things. Why not?

Picture from MorgueFile free photos

Find something to celebrate this week. Doesn't matter what it is. Going for a new job? Don't wait to celebrate, enjoy the fact that you've got an interview, that's a great achievement. Look back in your diary to find anniversaries - celebrate the day you bought a house, the day you met your husband/wife/dog, the fact that you've finally found a pair of shoes that look nice and are comfortable enough to walk in all day (answers on a postcard please, as I still haven't cracked that one). 

Now, when I say "celebrate", I'm not suggesting that you should be drunk all the time, as that would be very irresponsible of me. What I'm trying to do is suggest you count your blessings without going into that whole "I'm so grateful" American-style shtick.

Take a few moments to think about the friends that you like, the good food you enjoyed at your last meal, a nice view, sunshine, breathing in and out - anything and everything.
Every year, my husband and I celebrate on the day we met, the day we got engaged, the day we first viewed our house, the day we completed the sale, and that's not even to mention the day we married. It means we spend time thinking about how lucky we are to have met, and how happy we are living in our lovely house. It helps to counterbalance the fact that we have a crippling mortgage, occasionally fight about things like whether carrots have feelings, and have to go to work all the time to earn money when we'd rather stay in bed and read Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy out loud to each other (try it, it's a sure-fire step to happiness).

What you're doing by celebrating is noticing the good things in life. The things that you'd notice if they were taken away, but fail to notice on a daily basis because you're so used to them.

In case you're so sad you really can't think of any, here are some things to celebrate:

- if you have all your limbs - celebrate!
According to NHS Choices, 5-6,000 people have a limb amputated every year.
This is not to say that people without limbs can't lead full and happy lives, but imagine how hard your life would be if this happened to you. Think of all the work you'd have to do to adapt and go about your normal life. Just take a few minutes to think it through. Wow, that would be a lot of hard work and probably pain as well. You might have to learn to write again, or walk.
Then remember that, hurrah, I have all my arms and legs. Do a happy dance. Use your fingers and thumbs to do a complex task like open a tin of beans. Isn't life marvellous?

- if you have a roof over your head - celebrate!
According to Crisis, there are more than 2,000 people sleeping rough on the streets on any given night in the UK. Your home may be damp, it may be overcrowded, it may be expensive, it may not be in the best part of town, but it keeps the rain off, and you probably have access to a toilet and shower. Having somewhere to live is awesome! This is one particularly close to my heart, as I will explain later. I don't currently live in my home, and, let me tell you, when I go back, I am going to appreciate every last little corner of it.

- if you exist - celebrate!
This is my favourite example. Take a look at this website and find out how statistically improbable your existence is. 

Top tip: Watch this video (inspired by a blogpost from Ali Binazir, see link above), to find out why you are a miracle.

I’m too lazy to read this blog – can you sum it up in a nutshell?

It would be a shame if you found this blog and then didn’t bother to read all the nice words in it that I made up out of my brain. But, if you insist, this is essentially what it’s all about:

Figure out what makes you happy – do more of that

I admit it’s not rocket science, but in that case, why aren’t we all walking around with big annoying grins on our faces? In this blog, I shall attempt to help you work out why you’re not as happy as you could be (and I assume you’re not, otherwise you wouldn’t be reading this) and how to make yourself happier without having to do anything too drastic like taking up a sport or adopting a macrobiotic diet (I’m assuming you’re a lazy person like me, more on that later)

Before we start, you probably need to know a bit more about me. Why do I feel qualified to tell other people how to be happy? Good question. And the answer is threefold: 1 – I’m a journalist. As a rule, we journalists think we know everything. In fact, we actually know a little bit about a lot of things. But happiness is something I’ve worked at, both personally and professionally, so I probably know a bit more than most people. And, as a journalist, I feel that entitles me to bang on about it at length.

2 – I used to be a pessimistic glass-half-empty type. I had a life-changing year in 1999, which I’m sure I will bore you with at some point, and managed to figure it all out. And since then, despite quite a lot of bad things happening in my life, I consider myself to be a quite annoyingly happy person, and my husband agrees, especially about the annoying part.

3 – Being happy is something I’ve studied hard to achieve, and I really feel I’ve come up with some useful methods of being cheerful even when life is hard and tedious. I’m also making happiness a core part of my business, particularly in the workplace – did you know you could be happy at work by the way? That was a new one on me, and it’s amazing, read on for that alone if nothing else – so I’ve decided the time is right for me to put all my thoughts on this blog, to see if there’s anything useful that might help.

So, let’s start with a quote, that’s always a good way to break the ice:

Some cause happiness wherever they go, some whenever they go

Oscar Wilde

Top tip: Read some Oscar Wilde. And some Douglas Adams. Or read this blog, as I will be quoting widely from both. Just think, you’re going to get culture as well as good advice, what an excellent discovery you’ve made, well done!